Feeling like a failure today. Actually for a good long time. For so long that I have difficulty remembering what it is like to be happy with myself. I am so harsh on myself. Unreasonably so I think. I would never treat a friend the way I treat myself. I would never say to my child the things I say to myself. 50 years of this has taken a toll.
Okay, so its not been 50 years. I can actually remember feeling good about myself as a small child. Before puberty. Before society, and my well meaning but misguided mother, and the not so well meaning LDS Church started to influence my thought processes.
I was raised with the notion that a women’s most important role was that of wife and mother. That it was my duty, my calling to be a wife and mother. And I also was constantly receiving messages that I simply wasn’t attractive enough, that men (boys at that stage really) would not be interested in me because of how ugly I was. (And I really was an awkward kid, believe me) So it is really no surprise that I married the first guy who asked. Even though I was very aware that I didn’t love him in any way that could contribute to marital happiness. It was a disaster. But that is another blog post entirely. One for another day.
But today, what is driving this stupid “vehicle of self loathing” today? My job. I dislike my job. I am not good at my job. I want another job. But I always let fear paralyze me when it comes to things like this. I stay in bad situations until I have no choice but to change (like the above mentioned ill conceived and executed marriage) I stay until change is forced on me.
So I am sitting here, beating myself up. What a ginormous waste of time. Precious, valuable time.