Of Holidays and Growing the Hell Up

So,  I don’t like Mother’s Day. In fact, I don’t like many holidays at all. Most of them feel like a manipulative waste of time and resources. And this past Sunday, on Mother’s Day, I was thinking about my general distaste for celebrations, holidays and the like. I loathe Valentines Day. The fourth of July makes me want to puke. Easter bugs me. Don’t make a big deal out of my birthday.  I like Christmas, as long as there is not too much of a commercial focus. Thanksgiving is the one holiday I love, but hey…STUFFING….Wow, I’m a negative person.

Why? What’s wrong with me? Is anything wrong with me?

I came to the conclusion that holidays hold a ton of bad memories for me. Not bad childhood memories, most of those are wonderful, cherished even. No, I’m talking about my married life. It feels like every holiday for the nearly 20 years of my marriage was celebrated the way he wanted to celebrate them. We did what he wanted. It didn’t matter whether or not I enjoyed it. It didn’t matter whether or not I wanted to spend that much money. It didn’t even matter whether or not it caused me fear. (After all, so many thoughts or emotions I had throughout those 20 years were “stupid” why should he be concerned with them?)

And don’t get me started on the frustrations regarding my mom and her expectations of me for holidays… It feels like we are miles apart when it comes to our feelings about celebrations.

I am holding on to a great deal of anger and resentment. I’ve been divorced for almost 10 years now. This is ridiculous! I’m letting this take away joy and meaning from my life.  Why am I giving him that kind of power?

And why can’t I stand up to my mom? Should I stand up to my mom? How important is that, given the probable short time I’ve got left with her?

Here is my solution:

  1. Determine for myself what each holiday means to me and how I’d like to celebrate it in the future
  2. Promise myself that going forward I will not allow anyone to assign their meaning to a day or event for me
  3. Respect others’ views and feelings when it comes to what they are comfortable with when it comes to celebrations and holidays. Holidays are highly emotional for some people. Some have expectations, traditions or ideas very different from my own. How can I honor my own feelings and theirs as well? I know I won’t demand that my children celebrate the same way I do. And that I won’t try to make them feel guilty when they have a different viewpoint or idea.
  4. Work toward letting this anger, resentment and negativity go. It serves no one. It makes nothing better. I can’t afford to feed it anymore.

 

Posted in All The Possibilities | Tagged family, holidays, peace of mind | Leave a comment

Gratitude #14

Feeling a profound sense of gratitude today for the God-given ability to pick myself up and try again. As many times as necessary. What a gift!

This is something so human and yet so Divine at the same time. The ability to hope. I know that this is a gift from my Father. I feel resilient today, and that certainly is a gift from a higher power. I know that no matter what happens, and there is a ton of negative stuff on my horizon right now, that I can deal with it. That I can turn things around. and that at the very least I will grow from whatever transpires. I just need to remind myself daily that I am worthy of my challenges.

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Gotta Get Out Of This Rut

Wow. Weeks and weeks of nothingness. No progress on any front. (well almost any front)

I’ve stopped removing weight (haven’t gained any though :) )

I dodged the layoff bullet at work ( took a pay cut though :( ) I think I’ve been depressed about this and not handling it well.

Some one needs to give me a swift kick in the ass. (Maybe the Big Ass Planner again? It worked for me before…)

Posted in All The Possibilities, Goal Setting | 1 Comment

So…The Habit Thing…

Well, the whole creating new habits thing is going really well. Much better than anything I’ve ever experienced before. And yes, I still believe the app I have on my phone is one of the major reasons for this.

I’ve actually taken the time to apply make up each morning before I leave the house. I know that sounds stupid to some people, but I had found that I wasn’t taking much pride in my appearance anymore (probably due to depression) And this is one way I can tell myself that I have value, that I’m worth some time, that it matters what sort of persona I present to the rest of the world. I believe it matters because others won’t see me as having any value if I don’t believe it myself.

I’ve worked out for over 60 days in a row! I am so excited about this one! I am feeling so much better. And although the training for the race isn’t going as well as I’d like I still feel stronger and more in control of my life.

Other habits that I am building include both the powerful and the mundane. I am taking steps to prevent heart disease, praying every morning, reading at least a chapter toward my Pulitzer goal and remembering to make my bed every day.

I feel ready to add some new habits to the list:

writing meaningful blog posts daily? (on this blog or other websites)

getting up early every morning? (weekends too)

writing in my journal?

All thoughts and ideas worth pursuing for sure. I feel as though I am awaking from a long sleep. I’ve spent the last 30 years just existing. I am starting to feel like I did when I was in high school. When I believed I could make a difference, when I believed in my value. I don’t like that I allowed myself to get trapped in the negativity that I was in for so long, but I’m not going to let it consume any more of my energy. Not in dwelling on it, analyzing it or continuing it. I will NOT give it that power.

I am ALIVE! how glorious is that?

 

 

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The Magnificent Ambersons

I’ll just start by saying that I loved this book. I enjoyed it much more than Alice Adams for which Tarkington also one the Pulitzer in 1922.

I did not know when I started the book that it is actually part of a trilogy Tarkington wrote about the Amberson family, it is the second book. I will most definitely want to read the other two. My interest is arroused, I want to spend more time with the characters and ideas of this book.

The story centers around the Amberson family, but most especially George Amberson Minafer the only grandson of Major Amberson, the family patriarch. George, or “Georgie” grows up arrogant and believing himself superior. He is totally unaware of and uninterested in, the lives of others, including his family. Everyone seems to exist only as their lives touch or influence his. The Amberson family is the most influential and powerful family in their Midwestern town, and because of this he becomes full of his own importance.

I did not like Georgie much, and was looking forward to the time when he would get his “payback” To be honest, I really did not enjoy most of the Ambersons much at the beginning of the book. Mostly because of Georgie, how they all seemed to contribute to his arrogance. All of them, except his mother Isabel, seemed aware of it and yet didn’t seem to do much to mitigate it. And because Isabel was the largest contributor to his distorted view of things I disliked her a great deal.

But all of that was at the beginning of the book. As the story unfolded the well written characters showed their many layers, motivations and prejudices. I came to enjoy them and understand them.

I especially liked Eugene Morgan, an old friend of the Ambersons. His quiet sense of self-worth, derived from the actions he takes and grounded in principles of good character provide just the right contrast to Georgie’s empty pride.

I really believed that by the time things “went bad” for Georgie I would enjoy his downfall, but that was not the case. The story is well written, and like all good fiction it caused me to examine the parts of myself reflected there. I liked that I was reminded of my own short comings.

Georgie suffers from some severe disappointments at the end of the book. The loss of his family’s fortune was beyond his control, but because of the things that happen leading up to it he seems to take it in stride and accept it with equanimity. The losses and disappointments he suffers prior to that were of his own making, caused by his hubris. These include a falling out with the girl with which he is in love (Lucy Morgan, Eugene’s daughter) and causing his mother great pain by manipulating her relationship with Eugene Morgan to end as well. His mother dies without being able to see Eugene, whom she dearly loves, again. This causes her son enormous guilt and begins his process of self-examination.

The whole story is one of coming to terms with your own shortcoming and human fallibility. Beautifully crafted and touching told. Again, I loved it.

 

 

 

Posted in Pulitzer Goal | Tagged book reviews, Booth Tarkington, Pulitzer Prize Goal, reading, The Magnificent Ambersons | 1 Comment

Signed Up For The Race – My First 5k

So it s official, I signed up for the 5k. paid my money, chose my t-shirt, printed my receipt.

I’m excited. And nervous. Okay, not just nervous, scared. What if I can’t do it? I mean, I know I can walk the 5k, but what if I can’t run it? Will that be embarrassing? Frustration? Demotivating? (is demotivating a word?)

I’m going to finish the race no matter what, even if I do have to walk most of it. But I found a training plan and I am going to follow it.

I feel more and more in control of my life each day. Accomplishing this goal will go a long way toward making me feel capable and successful (I hope)

Posted in Goal Setting, Improving Health, Removing Weight | Tagged 5K, follow through, goal setting, removing weight goals, running, self talk, set high standards | Leave a comment

Reading For Work

My boss does something that I’ve found to be quite rare at the mid to upper level management of most companies. He tries to provide training to his management team, to those of us that work for him, to help us get better at our jobs. In the other organizations for which I’ve worked no one has ever provided any type of management training. No one seems to care. All they seem to care about is how hard you work, not whether or not you work effectively or whether or not you treat your people well.

One of the things he does is “Book Club” he chooses a book for us to read and study as a team. Each of us is assigned a chapter on which to present to the group. I really like this. I am blessed to work with a really smart group of people. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the high caliber of people I get to work with on a day to day basis.

The book he has chosen this time is Crucial Conversations, written by the Vital Smarts guys. I’ve read this book before, but it is one of those things that takes practice and steady application in order for it to really make a difference. I’ve been assigned chapter three.

I’m looking forward to working with my team to improve our communications using this book.

Posted in Other Reading | Tagged career, Crucial Conversations, job, priorities, reading, sense of purpose, set high standards, transformation | Leave a comment

Just Recording Random Thoughts

I really abuse this blog. Seriously. I never take the time to write a decent post. I seldom put any thought into what I write. That’s not good. Its just become an exercise in futility, a waste of time. That should change. Perhaps I need to create an editorial calendar for this blog like I use for others?

Posted in All The Possibilities | Tagged this blog, useless, writing | 1 Comment

Change Is Good, Right?

So much change. everything’s in “flux” Why is it bothering me so much? That’s a mystery, because my whole life has been constant change. There is no such thing as security. No such thing as stasis.

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What Do I Believe? What Do I Know?

I’ve been asking myself both of those questions a great deal recently. What do I believe? What do I know? Are there things that I tell myself that I “know” that in reality I only “believe”? But the real question has been “Is there much difference between believing and knowing?” that’s the thing that keeps popping into my head. My experience has taught me that belief can be the same, actually even stronger than, knowledge.

I need to guide my beliefs more carefully. Cultivate the ones that make a difference. Kill the negative beliefs that hold me back, for the strength of negative beliefs has hurt me so much in the past.

Posted in All The Possibilities | Tagged beliefs, knowledge, self talk | Leave a comment